F.I.N.E.: Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional.

30Nov09

For once, when I say I feel fine, I mean it in the above sense. I’ve got a splitting headache and have done since four thirty this morning when I woke up low. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to spend the next two days in a constant state of near-panic.

I’m trying really hard not to worry so much about this, but I am not doing very well at it right now. It’s tied my stomach in knots, it’s given me this lovely headache, and it keeps making me want to cry (and has a couple times taken me beyond wanting to into just plain doing so). I just plain don’t feel well. I’m pretty sure even that is because of the test, but who knows. If I get sick, I’m going to be pissed. People keep reassuring me, giving me advice, sending me hugs and love, and you all have no idea how much I appreciate it. I might seem ungrateful for the love, but I’m really not. I’m just mired neck deep in the absolute and all-consuming terror that I won’t get into the grad programs that I’m interested in and will have to come up with some sort of Plan B. I don’t want to do Plan B, dammit. I want to do Plan A. In fact, I want to do Plan A1, and not Plan A2 or A3. And no, I’m not going to elucidate which school represents which number, because then I’ll jinx it.

When I’m stressed, I start writing lists. They make me feel more in control, whether I really am or not. I write them in my head, I write them on scraps of paper, and sometimes I write them on my blog. Like now.

Things to do before Wednesday:

  1. Go over strategies for both Verbal and Quantitative. Write them down so I remember them better. (TONIGHT)
  2. Go over stuff for the Analytical writing as well. Try not to sweat that I haven’t written an argument or issue paper in over five years. (Also TONIGHT)
  3. Get together something to wear on Wednesday, go through all the procedures and shit that I’ll need to know when I get there, so I am not accidentally carrying a cell phone or something and get kicked out. That would suck. (this can be tomorrow, but I am doing ZERO studying tomorrow. I’ll just end up screwing myself.)
  4. Figure out the code thingers for the three schools.
  5. Eat breakfast.
  6. Eat regular meals. (I haven’t done so well with this today.)

After that comes the List of Things I Still Need to do for the Applications:

  1. Find one more prof. to write me a recommendation. Yes, I’ve been putting this off. Shut up.
  2. Get together info to send Dr K and others.
  3. FIND A PAPER. (I have to send one to Dr K.)
  4. Scan paper and stupid transcripts.
  5. Get official transcripts sent to three schools.
  6. Fill out the applications and submit them.
  7. Re-write that essay one more time? Is it strong enough yet?

After this weekend, this should all be finished. ALL OF IT. I can’t wait to be done, so I can take a deep breath, and just chill and enjoy December. Then I just have to wait and see if/where I get in. And hopefully someone will give me money to do this, too.

Also, it would be nice if it would stop raining for a while.

 

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